Testimony: Line Upon Line

Hey! It's been a while. But we had some talks in Sacrament Meeting a couple weeks ago that inspired me to bear my testimony the following week, and I think it's a good idea to share part of that here. The Sacrament Meeting was all about experiences over the year that have contributed to our testimonies. A few of my experiences are very special to me, so I'm only going to share a few here. But I hope that it can somehow help you see the hand of God in your own life. I wrote in my journal before making this post, so some of this is taken directly from that entry.

Let's start with the reason I started this blog: my grandmother passed away. At the time, that didn't seem like the reason I started this blog...but looking back it really was. It was easily one of the biggest defining moments in my life, and I needed someplace to express myself. I grew up very close to my grandma, and so it was very hard for me. I really struggled for the rest of the year, and I was probably even a little difficult to be around at times. Well, the day after she passed away the reality of it all hit me. I was up in my room, crying like I had been for hours, not knowing what to do. So I said a prayer asking for comfort, or guidance, or something to help me through, and the words to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay got stuck in my head. I felt like I should turn it on, so I did, and as I listen to the words I felt peace envelop me. THAT IS THE INSTANT THAT I KNEW GOD KNEW ME, AND HE LOVED ME, WITHOUT A DOUBT. It was like He was speaking to me through the song. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

My cousins and I having one of many sleep-overs with my angel grandmother.

If you've followed my blog in the past, you might recognize this story. I wrote about it a few years ago (and if you'd like to hear more about my testimony from that experience, you can read that post here). But what fewer people know is an event that happened a few weeks later. I don't recall the exact timeline--it could have even been a few months--but regardless, the loss of my grandma and the resultant grief was still fresh in my heart. I was on a field trip with my choir to sing in the state competition, and while we were out I started to get a pain in my chest. By the time we got back to school, it hurt to even breathe deeply and move my arms. It was a sickness brought on by stress that ended up keeping me from school for a few days until it finally went away. But before I could go home that day that it came on, before I could go cry like I so wanted to, I had to get through my Musical Theater class. I had used up my last excused absence in that class to go to my grandma's funeral, so I was stuck. I felt tears well up in my eyes as we all disbanded to rehearse our parts and I was assigned to a group to practice a musical number--something I'd been hoping against all hope that wouldn't happen.

That's when my loving choir director and Musical Theater co-teacher called me into her office. She told me that she could tell something was bothering m, and I broke down. I told her that I could hardly breathe deeply, and that ever since my grandma had passed away I just didn't feel like I could be happy. She knew exactly what to say and reassured me, but also told me that it wasn't good to remain too unhappy for too long. Years later, it's a moment that we both clearly remember. I'm sure she was prompted to reach out to me. I KNOW that God truly is mindful of us all. It might seem like an insignificant experience, but it wasn't to me. God is in the details of our lives, and if we just look for Him and the blessings He gives us, we will come to recognize Him in moments like this one.

I'll continue from this experience in no particular order. Another time that strengthened my testimony came right after I got my mission call. (I GOT MY MISSION CALL AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I'm going to Madagascar Antananarivo, and I could not be more thrilled.) Well, actually I guess it started a little bit before that. Satan was attacking me relentlessly. He was trying to convince me that I wasn't worthy to serve a mission. He tried this in a number of ways, and still sometimes creeps into my mind with new ideas of how I could be unworthy to serve. I was so upset, because I really didn't think I'd done anything wrong! But I had a lot of doubts thanks to Satan, and so I set up a time to meet with my bishop--just to counsel with him and tell him what I was going through. I told him how unworthy I felt, even though I believed I'd done nothing wrong, and he simply said, "I believe you." Those three words had so much power. He helped me understand that Satan really didn't want me to serve a mission, and because he couldn't tempt me enough to get me to commit the sins that would keep me from going he was attacking my mind. I felt so reassured, and everything became clear. I was so at peace the next few days, and I felt the Spirit testify to me of the truth that I was worthy to serve.

Me with my mission call (and my cute brother)

But after a few days, the doubts slowly started to trickle back. That's when I felt like I should read my patriarchal blessing, and a phrase about worthiness stuck out to me. It talked about how I understand the importance of being worthy, and suddenly this whole ordeal made so much sense to me. I couldn't fathom why Satan was attacking me in this way when I knew I was worthy, but it's because worthiness is so important to me. Satan attacks the things we love most and tries to hit us in our weakest spots, and in that moment I came to realize that truth. But the cool thing is that God can make weak things become strong unto us--our weaknesses He can turn into strengths. So I turned to God even more than I had been, and really tried to put good habits in motion in my life. Once again, I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I was worthy and that I was doing what God wanted me to do. Maybe worthiness isn't how Satan attacks you. But be aware that he goes after your weakest points (if you want proof, here's an example of another time Satan attacked me in a similar way). Understand yourself, and have a strong relationship with God. That relationship with God is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. With God, you can not fail. With God, you can overcome everything.

I have so many more experiences that have led me to my testimony, but I'm just going to leave you with these two for now. My "testimony catalogue" is long and growing every day. I testify to you that God knows you! He loves you! He is mindful of you! And every experience in your life is an opportunity for Him to show you just how good the gospel is. Let Him. He will bring you the truest joy. He will make you more than you could ever make yourself.

God Is Not Idle

There are a lot of things I don't know. I don't know the rules of football. I don't know how to play the violin. I don't know how to do a cartwheel. But even with the many, many things I don't know, there is one thing that I know for certain! I know it without a doubt, and I know it is always right. More than anything in this world, I know that there is a God, and that He loves me!

Many things in my life testify to me on a daily basis that God is looking out for me. A few weeks ago, I was in a spiritual rut. I wasn't reading my scriptures that much, and I was saying my personal prayers even less. I didn't feel like I was getting anything from scripture study and prayer, so I didn't even try to read and pray. It was an endless cycle that I was caught in. Then Sunday rolled around, and I was starting to feel a little guilty because I didn't care about my personal scripture study and prayer. At church, I worried about how I didn't care. I worried that because I didn't seem to care, maybe I would fall away from the gospel. I really, really didn't want that to happen. So instead, I made a decision. It wasn't specific or huge, I simply decided that I would change. It began slowly, and even now I am still trying to do better, but the main thing I realized I needed to work on in order to turn things around was putting in a conscious effort to read my scriptures.

From that day, many little things that the Lord has done to bless my life have stood out to me like rescue flares. One thing really stood out to me that Thursday, after a few friends and I had done some family history work and found names to take to the temple. We were at the temple Thursday night to be baptized by proxy for those family names, but there were so many people that there was a three-hour wait. The baptistry closed at eight o'clock, but we were there until ten o'clock before we even got to do the baptisms and confirmations. I feel especially blessed not only to have been able to do that, but also that the many things left in my day to do didn't come to mind until after we left the temple. In my personal opinion, there are few things worse than a stressful visit to the temple. It wasn't until I got home and was talking to my mom that I realized all the things that should have gotten done that day, but hadn't. Though the built-up stress was not a positive thing, I still know that God was blessing me because I didn't feel that stress until I had finished the ordinances and was reflecting on my day.

The next day, that stress was still there. For all my thinking and justifying, I knew that the stress was the result of some procrastination I had done earlier in the week. I found myself pleading with the Lord that work would be canceled that day. I didn't know what else I could do, and there was no way I could get everything I needed to done if I still had to go to work. I prayed and prayed, and by lunchtime I got a text at school. It was my employer, telling me that work was going slow that day and that I could choose whether or not I was going to go in to work. I immediately texted back, saying that I would take the day off and thanked my Heavenly Father for answering my prayer.

This last week was the end of my first school term. It was hectic, trying to keep all my grades up and making sure I got everything turned in on time. I was happy to know that I was getting the grades I wanted. But as I examined each grade to see the individual assignment grades, I noticed that a fair amount of extra credit had been given to me for an assignment I didn't do. It was in my hardest class, and I looked at the exact percentage I had sadly, knowing that the next day it would probably go down if I told my teacher about the error. In a second of hesitation, I tried to justify keeping the extra credit points. Maybe they were for another assignment and had just gotten entered in under the wrong one. But I knew that it wasn't honest to keep the points, and so the next day I told my teacher. She took the points away after confirming my fears that it would likely take my grade down below where I wanted it to be. However, after taking away the extra points, my grade was still just barely above in the right range. I know that even though I risked sacrificing my perfect grade to be honest, I was blessed for that honesty.

Photo found on Pinterest.

I KNOW that God does not sit idly, watching my life take place. He is there for me, and loves me, and wants me to succeed. I am overwhelmed with His love. Without Him, I would be lost in this crazy life. So many things don't go as planned. There are so many questions without answers. But through everything, Heavenly Father is always there, and He will help us if we let Him.

He is Mindful of Us All.

Everyone has, at some point in their life, felt insecure. They've struggled with self-doubt. They've felt alone. We've all over-thought situations. We've questioned ourselves. We've wondered how "good" we really are. If we'll ever amount to anything really wonderful.

Three weeks ago, I was camping with the young women in my stake. Sister Elaine S. Dalton, the former General Young Women's President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, came to talk to us on our last night there. She shared many things, all relating back to the fact that we might not always know what is in store for us, but the Lord does. She used to think she was a skinny little nobody, just as many of us have felt. But as she has lived a worthy life, she has come to better understand her divine potential.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what everyone else got out of Sister Dalton's talk that night a few weeks ago, because I was way more focused on something she said at the beginning of her talk. She began by talking about her patriarchal blessing. Before camp, I'd received an interview to get my patriarchal blessing, but I was worried that maybe I wasn't prepared yet. I'd been praying to Heavenly Father to help me be worthy, but I wasn't sure that I was. I'd been thinking about getting my patriarchal blessing for a long time, but now that I'd actually scheduled it, I was having second thoughts. As soon as Sister Dalton mentioned her patriarchal blessing, I knew. I KNEW that I was worthy. The Holy Ghost testified to me that I was. For the rest of the talk she shared, I was thinking of that spiritual confirmation from God that I was prepared. And that brought me indescribable joy!

After she was done talking, I waited behind a ton of girls to be able to talk to Sister Dalton. I told her how she had answered my prayers. She just hugged me, looked in in the eyes, and said, "My dear, you are worthy!" I will never forget that. My doubt was squashed and I felt the undeniable love of God for me. I was left with no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father knew where I was, knew the question I was facing, and knew how to reach me.

I believe that Heavenly Father has many ways for us to get the message He wants us to receive. Sister Dalton was an answer to my prayers that night. Heavenly Father knew exactly how to tell me what I needed to know. It was not at all how I expected to learn it, but I understood that it was for me. Each one of us is different. But He takes the time to think of us and answer our prayers. Sometimes we need to remember that the Lord has His own timetable, that nothing is according to our plans, but to His. We also need to remember that He often times answers our prayers in the ways we least expect. But we need never doubt that He will answer our prayers. He will, He always will. Just as the people in our lives who love us would not simply ignore us if we sincerely and righteously asked for something, neither will God. Because He loves us unconditionally, and He knows us better than anyone else.

This situation puts me in mind of my favorite verse of scripture, found in Alma chapter 26 verse 37. It reads,

Now, my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever. Amen.

You are wonderful! Never, ever doubt it. As long as God loves you, you have infinite worth. And guess what? God loves you forever, without fail, unconditionally, no matter what, and with the purest love. He is so, so mindful of you. If you will put your faith in Him, you will do wonderful things.

My Holy Place

On Friday I went to seminary class, and we talked about the Restoration. Our seminary teacher brought up the Sacred Grove, and asked us all to think about it. He brought up the fact that the Sacred Grove was the place where Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ showed themselves to Joseph Smith during the first vision. He then told us all to think of a place where we can feel the Holy Ghost, where we go when we want to be alone with God. My first thought was my bedroom, but my room is often messy, and that doesn't allow myself to focus very well.

So when I thought of my holy place, my "personal Sacred Grove," I thought of all the times I had been to the mountains, and just had time to sit and think. Whenever I do that, my thoughts wander to God and the gospel. The mountains are my holy place.

That day in seminary, we read Moroni chapter 10 of the Book of Mormon, and Moroni's promise found in verses 4 and 5. The promise challenges us to, after we read the scriptures, pray to God and ask if the things they say are true. My seminary teacher challenged my class to go to our holy place and pray. I was immediately sad, not knowing the next time I would be able to travel to the mountains and have a moment to just sit and think.

What I'd forgotten was that I was going to youth conference later that day, almost as soon as I got home from school. I quickly packed up all of the things I would need for this overnight trip, then ran over to our church meeting house and loaded my bags into the trailer waiting for us. We drove up the canyon, and I realized that I was being brought to my holy place after all.

During those two days and one night I was at youth conference with all my ward friends around me, I had a blast. We played hard, danced, hiked, and just had a stellar time. But when I had a minute to myself, I could feel God's love for me. I knew He cared about me individually, and that He wanted the best for me. It made me want to do better than I was doing.

That's what God's love does: it fills us with the knowledge of how much He cares, and makes us want to do better. Those days during youth conference, I didn't do Moroni's challenge. I didn't need to. Heavenly Father had already borne witness to me that the Book of Mormon was true. The reason I feel so blessed for having ended up in my sacred place after all is because it still strengthened my testimony. I'm so glad that I was able to go to my holy place and know that God was watching over me, helping me along, and blessing my life. I love Heavenly Father, and know that He is looking out for me always. He has my best interest at heart, and will always love me, no matter what. And that's the part of my testimony that was strengthened in my holy place.

Be Still

Today at church, my young women's group was talking about trials. Trials are something that everyone encounters in their lives, no matter who they are. We can't avoid them, they are there to test our faith and make us stronger. As some of the young women in my class shared trials that they went through or were still going through, I thought about a couple recent trials that I have gone through.

Photo Cred: www.pinterest.com

My first trial began a year ago when my grandma passed away. It was really hard. While I was still a very positive person, I did have some down days where I missed her terribly. No matter what, I will miss her for the rest of my life. But because of the Plan of Happiness, I know that I will see her again some day, and that is a huge comfort to me. Just last month, my grandpa passed away, and that was even harder for me. I'd come to know my grandpa better than I ever had over this last year, so I felt a huge loss when he passed on. But they are together again, and that makes me happy. That knowledge, and the knowledge that I will see them again is what is bringing me through this trial.

My other trial is something that I wouldn't have even considered a trial a few months ago. A few of my friends are struggling with doubts or self worth, and me watching them go through that is my biggest trial right now. The part that makes it so hard is that I don't always know what I can do for them. I can see what they need, but I can't always just sand up and help them out. I want to tell them that I love them and everything will be OK, but I know that that's something I can't make them believe. They have to choose to accept that on their own. But I know that as I pray fervently and do all that I can, they will be helped and this trial will pass.

No trial lasts for ever. There is a life after this one, and if we live this life we have here on earth to our full potential, we will be blessed in the life to come. Not a single soul ever lived their life without trial. The ultimate example of this is Jesus Christ. He was perfect, and His trials were bigger than we can ever imagine. If He, a perfect man, had to go through all that He did, we certainly have to go through trials too.

But be patient and know that you are never alone. Jesus understands exactly where you are and what you are going through because He took upon Himself all the pains and afflictions of the world. That covers sin, that covers sadness, that covers every single little thing any of us will ever have to face. That covers the scrapes on your hands when you fell off your first bicycle. That covers the hurt you felt when you got in a fight with your best friend. Nothing is unnoticed by the Atonement of Christ. Not one thing.

The words of the hymn "Be Still, My Soul" come to mind:

"Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side. With patience bear thy cross of grief and pain...Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

"Be still, my soul: the hour is hast'ning on when we shall be forever with the Lord, when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored...

"Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past..."

God is there, and He loves us, and He will be beside us every step of our journey through this mortal life. Jesus' atonement is real, and it is available to everyone. I know that when our burdens seem impossible to bear, all we need to do is turn to the Lord and He will give us strength. He will never, ever give us anything that we can not overcome.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Doctrine and Covenants 101:16; Psalms 46:10

He Hears Us

Today was the day I performed last-minute to accompany my friend! I came home from school and practiced until my fingers couldn't find the notes, then I took a break, then practiced again and again. Let me tell you, I was pretty darn nervous. I didn't see how on earth I would be able to play the song well enough! I didn't care about it for my sake, but I sure didn't want to make my friend sound bad.

It was down to a half and hour before I had to leave, and I decided I wouldn't touch the piano again until I got there. I was warmed up enough, and I was to the point where I was only playing mistakes. If I sat down and started memorizing those mistakes, my performance would be horrible. So I waited, rather anxiously, for time to pass.

Then it was the moment when we were walking into the judging room. Luckily the piano was turned so the judge couldn't see me when I sat down, and that made me feel like nobody was there. But I must have said five prayers in two minutes, simply asking Heavenly Father to bless my performance that it would be all it needed to be. The judge wasn't assessing me, something I am very grateful about, but if I didn't play well, the song would sound awful.

I took a deep breath and said a final prayer as the song began. After that, my fingers found the keys. It was far from a perfect performance, but whenever a note was wrong, usually it was harmony that sounded just fine with whatever my friend was playing. I didn't mess up badly on the spots where I usually had to slow down extremely as I practiced. It really was a miracle.

The thing is, I'd done everything I could possibly do to prepare that song in just over twenty-four hours. I literally don't think I could have done anything more that would have helped. Heavenly Father knew that, and so when I prayed, sincerely asking for His help, He gave it.

Sometimes I know it's easy to feel as though God hasn't heard our prayers. Maybe we say something specific, and things don't play out the way we'd hoped they would. I've come to see, however, that God absolutely hears and answers us when we pray to Him. And actually, it is almost never in the way that we plan the answers to come. Things might go wrong for a time, but it's always because it'll make something else go right. This I know with all my heart.

God Understands Us

My ward has set up a ward blog, and I have published a personal story on it. It is about a time in my life when I was not especially close to God and I had doubts. It is an experience that is close to my heart. The link is also to the left under "Blog Links."

The rest of the blog is absolutely amazing! Please read the other posts by fabulous church members at mycalling.org . The strength and the faith of the people around me never ceases to amaze me. It lifts me up and makes me want to be a better person.

The post on my ward's blog is about how God has helped me through music. This experience wasn't the only time this has happened. In February, my grandmother passed away and I had a really hard time. She was such a sweet, loving, gentle person and I knew that she was in the caring hands of God, but I still missed her immensely and really struggled putting it behind me. The day after her passing was especially difficult for me. I went to a basketball game for the young women in my ward. When I was playing I was fine, but whenever I was on the sidelines I broke down and started crying. After my young women leaders dropped my off at home, I had the words to "Fix You" by Coldplay get stuck in my mind. So I went to my room and played the song for a little bit. It helped me calm down and I could sense that this was a message Heavenly Father was trying to relay to me by putting the song in my mind.

The way that God reaches out to me reminds me of the scripture in Proverbs chapter 3, verses 5 and 6:

5. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I know that God loves us each individually SO MUCH that He takes the time to communicate with us in the way we will receive His messages the best. There is no doubt in my mind the He knows who I am and watches out for me constantly. He will direct my paths, so long as I am faithful and trust in Him with all my heart.

Lyrics to "Fix You" by Coldplay:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Prayer and Miracles

A unique thing has happened to me over the past couple of weeks. First, I decided to officially drop my musical theater class. At first I was hesitant, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really just didn't want to take the class. I love the people, but being around them for so long exhausts me, and I didn't feel up to a super busy schedule again. Before I actually dropped the class, though I prayed about it. At first I just wanted to know if I should drop the class, but then I prayed about the class I would replace it with, and I felt peaceful. I knew that I was making the right choice.

But I didn't realize why it was so right.

Not two days later, I was talking to a friend of mine at school. A mutual friend of ours had become inactive, and we had an opportunity to read the Book of Mormon with them. I was so excited! And as soon as I heard that, I knew. I knew God was planning that for me. It was another feeling of peace that just made me think, "Ok. God knows what's going on, and He knows me."

Before that happened I had been praying for a missionary experience, but it just didn't seem to be happening. I tried to put faith into my prayers, but every night I would think about the people I knew and wondered who on earth I could help. I didn't see an opportunity, but I kept on praying. I know God heard my prayers, because He gave me a missionary experience that I never would have anticipated. I was not expecting it to come from where it did, but because I was praying for it and looking for it, I recognized the opportunity when came.

Only about a week before my missionary experience I had been thinking to myself, "What can I do? I don't know how to go about this, and I honestly don't know anyone that I could talk to about the gospel." I just kept on trying my best, and striving to be an example. It wasn't always easy, and sometimes being an example just didn't happen. But I did try, and I kept on praying.

I know prayer is powerful. I think that, though I am looking forward to starting the Book of Mormon with this friend of mine, this will not be a missionary experience meant for only them. This will be a missionary experience for me as well. My testimony has already been strengthened by this, and nothing has even really happened yet.

God amazes me daily. The things that He puts into my life are truly wonderful. The way that events fit together perfectly, making room for the things I feel are important. If I had kept with my musical theater class, I would never have had the time to spend with my friend studying the scriptures. The things people call coincidences, I call miracles. Nothing is unintentional when we are in the hands of God.

Miracles don't have to be big. They just have to be meaningful. If we pray for the right things, then the right things will happen. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that he cares about what happens to me, and is there with me through every choice I ever make. He is not distant and only there for the big things, he is there making sure that every single miniscule detail in my life happens the way it needs to for me to reach my full potential. I know that as long as I have faith, He will guide me and bless me.