Testimony: Line Upon Line

Hey! It's been a while. But we had some talks in Sacrament Meeting a couple weeks ago that inspired me to bear my testimony the following week, and I think it's a good idea to share part of that here. The Sacrament Meeting was all about experiences over the year that have contributed to our testimonies. A few of my experiences are very special to me, so I'm only going to share a few here. But I hope that it can somehow help you see the hand of God in your own life. I wrote in my journal before making this post, so some of this is taken directly from that entry.

Let's start with the reason I started this blog: my grandmother passed away. At the time, that didn't seem like the reason I started this blog...but looking back it really was. It was easily one of the biggest defining moments in my life, and I needed someplace to express myself. I grew up very close to my grandma, and so it was very hard for me. I really struggled for the rest of the year, and I was probably even a little difficult to be around at times. Well, the day after she passed away the reality of it all hit me. I was up in my room, crying like I had been for hours, not knowing what to do. So I said a prayer asking for comfort, or guidance, or something to help me through, and the words to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay got stuck in my head. I felt like I should turn it on, so I did, and as I listen to the words I felt peace envelop me. THAT IS THE INSTANT THAT I KNEW GOD KNEW ME, AND HE LOVED ME, WITHOUT A DOUBT. It was like He was speaking to me through the song. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

My cousins and I having one of many sleep-overs with my angel grandmother.

If you've followed my blog in the past, you might recognize this story. I wrote about it a few years ago (and if you'd like to hear more about my testimony from that experience, you can read that post here). But what fewer people know is an event that happened a few weeks later. I don't recall the exact timeline--it could have even been a few months--but regardless, the loss of my grandma and the resultant grief was still fresh in my heart. I was on a field trip with my choir to sing in the state competition, and while we were out I started to get a pain in my chest. By the time we got back to school, it hurt to even breathe deeply and move my arms. It was a sickness brought on by stress that ended up keeping me from school for a few days until it finally went away. But before I could go home that day that it came on, before I could go cry like I so wanted to, I had to get through my Musical Theater class. I had used up my last excused absence in that class to go to my grandma's funeral, so I was stuck. I felt tears well up in my eyes as we all disbanded to rehearse our parts and I was assigned to a group to practice a musical number--something I'd been hoping against all hope that wouldn't happen.

That's when my loving choir director and Musical Theater co-teacher called me into her office. She told me that she could tell something was bothering m, and I broke down. I told her that I could hardly breathe deeply, and that ever since my grandma had passed away I just didn't feel like I could be happy. She knew exactly what to say and reassured me, but also told me that it wasn't good to remain too unhappy for too long. Years later, it's a moment that we both clearly remember. I'm sure she was prompted to reach out to me. I KNOW that God truly is mindful of us all. It might seem like an insignificant experience, but it wasn't to me. God is in the details of our lives, and if we just look for Him and the blessings He gives us, we will come to recognize Him in moments like this one.

I'll continue from this experience in no particular order. Another time that strengthened my testimony came right after I got my mission call. (I GOT MY MISSION CALL AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I'm going to Madagascar Antananarivo, and I could not be more thrilled.) Well, actually I guess it started a little bit before that. Satan was attacking me relentlessly. He was trying to convince me that I wasn't worthy to serve a mission. He tried this in a number of ways, and still sometimes creeps into my mind with new ideas of how I could be unworthy to serve. I was so upset, because I really didn't think I'd done anything wrong! But I had a lot of doubts thanks to Satan, and so I set up a time to meet with my bishop--just to counsel with him and tell him what I was going through. I told him how unworthy I felt, even though I believed I'd done nothing wrong, and he simply said, "I believe you." Those three words had so much power. He helped me understand that Satan really didn't want me to serve a mission, and because he couldn't tempt me enough to get me to commit the sins that would keep me from going he was attacking my mind. I felt so reassured, and everything became clear. I was so at peace the next few days, and I felt the Spirit testify to me of the truth that I was worthy to serve.

Me with my mission call (and my cute brother)

But after a few days, the doubts slowly started to trickle back. That's when I felt like I should read my patriarchal blessing, and a phrase about worthiness stuck out to me. It talked about how I understand the importance of being worthy, and suddenly this whole ordeal made so much sense to me. I couldn't fathom why Satan was attacking me in this way when I knew I was worthy, but it's because worthiness is so important to me. Satan attacks the things we love most and tries to hit us in our weakest spots, and in that moment I came to realize that truth. But the cool thing is that God can make weak things become strong unto us--our weaknesses He can turn into strengths. So I turned to God even more than I had been, and really tried to put good habits in motion in my life. Once again, I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I was worthy and that I was doing what God wanted me to do. Maybe worthiness isn't how Satan attacks you. But be aware that he goes after your weakest points (if you want proof, here's an example of another time Satan attacked me in a similar way). Understand yourself, and have a strong relationship with God. That relationship with God is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. With God, you can not fail. With God, you can overcome everything.

I have so many more experiences that have led me to my testimony, but I'm just going to leave you with these two for now. My "testimony catalogue" is long and growing every day. I testify to you that God knows you! He loves you! He is mindful of you! And every experience in your life is an opportunity for Him to show you just how good the gospel is. Let Him. He will bring you the truest joy. He will make you more than you could ever make yourself.

God Is Not Idle

There are a lot of things I don't know. I don't know the rules of football. I don't know how to play the violin. I don't know how to do a cartwheel. But even with the many, many things I don't know, there is one thing that I know for certain! I know it without a doubt, and I know it is always right. More than anything in this world, I know that there is a God, and that He loves me!

Many things in my life testify to me on a daily basis that God is looking out for me. A few weeks ago, I was in a spiritual rut. I wasn't reading my scriptures that much, and I was saying my personal prayers even less. I didn't feel like I was getting anything from scripture study and prayer, so I didn't even try to read and pray. It was an endless cycle that I was caught in. Then Sunday rolled around, and I was starting to feel a little guilty because I didn't care about my personal scripture study and prayer. At church, I worried about how I didn't care. I worried that because I didn't seem to care, maybe I would fall away from the gospel. I really, really didn't want that to happen. So instead, I made a decision. It wasn't specific or huge, I simply decided that I would change. It began slowly, and even now I am still trying to do better, but the main thing I realized I needed to work on in order to turn things around was putting in a conscious effort to read my scriptures.

From that day, many little things that the Lord has done to bless my life have stood out to me like rescue flares. One thing really stood out to me that Thursday, after a few friends and I had done some family history work and found names to take to the temple. We were at the temple Thursday night to be baptized by proxy for those family names, but there were so many people that there was a three-hour wait. The baptistry closed at eight o'clock, but we were there until ten o'clock before we even got to do the baptisms and confirmations. I feel especially blessed not only to have been able to do that, but also that the many things left in my day to do didn't come to mind until after we left the temple. In my personal opinion, there are few things worse than a stressful visit to the temple. It wasn't until I got home and was talking to my mom that I realized all the things that should have gotten done that day, but hadn't. Though the built-up stress was not a positive thing, I still know that God was blessing me because I didn't feel that stress until I had finished the ordinances and was reflecting on my day.

The next day, that stress was still there. For all my thinking and justifying, I knew that the stress was the result of some procrastination I had done earlier in the week. I found myself pleading with the Lord that work would be canceled that day. I didn't know what else I could do, and there was no way I could get everything I needed to done if I still had to go to work. I prayed and prayed, and by lunchtime I got a text at school. It was my employer, telling me that work was going slow that day and that I could choose whether or not I was going to go in to work. I immediately texted back, saying that I would take the day off and thanked my Heavenly Father for answering my prayer.

This last week was the end of my first school term. It was hectic, trying to keep all my grades up and making sure I got everything turned in on time. I was happy to know that I was getting the grades I wanted. But as I examined each grade to see the individual assignment grades, I noticed that a fair amount of extra credit had been given to me for an assignment I didn't do. It was in my hardest class, and I looked at the exact percentage I had sadly, knowing that the next day it would probably go down if I told my teacher about the error. In a second of hesitation, I tried to justify keeping the extra credit points. Maybe they were for another assignment and had just gotten entered in under the wrong one. But I knew that it wasn't honest to keep the points, and so the next day I told my teacher. She took the points away after confirming my fears that it would likely take my grade down below where I wanted it to be. However, after taking away the extra points, my grade was still just barely above in the right range. I know that even though I risked sacrificing my perfect grade to be honest, I was blessed for that honesty.

Photo found on Pinterest.

I KNOW that God does not sit idly, watching my life take place. He is there for me, and loves me, and wants me to succeed. I am overwhelmed with His love. Without Him, I would be lost in this crazy life. So many things don't go as planned. There are so many questions without answers. But through everything, Heavenly Father is always there, and He will help us if we let Him.