Testimony: Line Upon Line

Hey! It's been a while. But we had some talks in Sacrament Meeting a couple weeks ago that inspired me to bear my testimony the following week, and I think it's a good idea to share part of that here. The Sacrament Meeting was all about experiences over the year that have contributed to our testimonies. A few of my experiences are very special to me, so I'm only going to share a few here. But I hope that it can somehow help you see the hand of God in your own life. I wrote in my journal before making this post, so some of this is taken directly from that entry.

Let's start with the reason I started this blog: my grandmother passed away. At the time, that didn't seem like the reason I started this blog...but looking back it really was. It was easily one of the biggest defining moments in my life, and I needed someplace to express myself. I grew up very close to my grandma, and so it was very hard for me. I really struggled for the rest of the year, and I was probably even a little difficult to be around at times. Well, the day after she passed away the reality of it all hit me. I was up in my room, crying like I had been for hours, not knowing what to do. So I said a prayer asking for comfort, or guidance, or something to help me through, and the words to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay got stuck in my head. I felt like I should turn it on, so I did, and as I listen to the words I felt peace envelop me. THAT IS THE INSTANT THAT I KNEW GOD KNEW ME, AND HE LOVED ME, WITHOUT A DOUBT. It was like He was speaking to me through the song. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

My cousins and I having one of many sleep-overs with my angel grandmother.

If you've followed my blog in the past, you might recognize this story. I wrote about it a few years ago (and if you'd like to hear more about my testimony from that experience, you can read that post here). But what fewer people know is an event that happened a few weeks later. I don't recall the exact timeline--it could have even been a few months--but regardless, the loss of my grandma and the resultant grief was still fresh in my heart. I was on a field trip with my choir to sing in the state competition, and while we were out I started to get a pain in my chest. By the time we got back to school, it hurt to even breathe deeply and move my arms. It was a sickness brought on by stress that ended up keeping me from school for a few days until it finally went away. But before I could go home that day that it came on, before I could go cry like I so wanted to, I had to get through my Musical Theater class. I had used up my last excused absence in that class to go to my grandma's funeral, so I was stuck. I felt tears well up in my eyes as we all disbanded to rehearse our parts and I was assigned to a group to practice a musical number--something I'd been hoping against all hope that wouldn't happen.

That's when my loving choir director and Musical Theater co-teacher called me into her office. She told me that she could tell something was bothering m, and I broke down. I told her that I could hardly breathe deeply, and that ever since my grandma had passed away I just didn't feel like I could be happy. She knew exactly what to say and reassured me, but also told me that it wasn't good to remain too unhappy for too long. Years later, it's a moment that we both clearly remember. I'm sure she was prompted to reach out to me. I KNOW that God truly is mindful of us all. It might seem like an insignificant experience, but it wasn't to me. God is in the details of our lives, and if we just look for Him and the blessings He gives us, we will come to recognize Him in moments like this one.

I'll continue from this experience in no particular order. Another time that strengthened my testimony came right after I got my mission call. (I GOT MY MISSION CALL AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I'm going to Madagascar Antananarivo, and I could not be more thrilled.) Well, actually I guess it started a little bit before that. Satan was attacking me relentlessly. He was trying to convince me that I wasn't worthy to serve a mission. He tried this in a number of ways, and still sometimes creeps into my mind with new ideas of how I could be unworthy to serve. I was so upset, because I really didn't think I'd done anything wrong! But I had a lot of doubts thanks to Satan, and so I set up a time to meet with my bishop--just to counsel with him and tell him what I was going through. I told him how unworthy I felt, even though I believed I'd done nothing wrong, and he simply said, "I believe you." Those three words had so much power. He helped me understand that Satan really didn't want me to serve a mission, and because he couldn't tempt me enough to get me to commit the sins that would keep me from going he was attacking my mind. I felt so reassured, and everything became clear. I was so at peace the next few days, and I felt the Spirit testify to me of the truth that I was worthy to serve.

Me with my mission call (and my cute brother)

But after a few days, the doubts slowly started to trickle back. That's when I felt like I should read my patriarchal blessing, and a phrase about worthiness stuck out to me. It talked about how I understand the importance of being worthy, and suddenly this whole ordeal made so much sense to me. I couldn't fathom why Satan was attacking me in this way when I knew I was worthy, but it's because worthiness is so important to me. Satan attacks the things we love most and tries to hit us in our weakest spots, and in that moment I came to realize that truth. But the cool thing is that God can make weak things become strong unto us--our weaknesses He can turn into strengths. So I turned to God even more than I had been, and really tried to put good habits in motion in my life. Once again, I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I was worthy and that I was doing what God wanted me to do. Maybe worthiness isn't how Satan attacks you. But be aware that he goes after your weakest points (if you want proof, here's an example of another time Satan attacked me in a similar way). Understand yourself, and have a strong relationship with God. That relationship with God is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. With God, you can not fail. With God, you can overcome everything.

I have so many more experiences that have led me to my testimony, but I'm just going to leave you with these two for now. My "testimony catalogue" is long and growing every day. I testify to you that God knows you! He loves you! He is mindful of you! And every experience in your life is an opportunity for Him to show you just how good the gospel is. Let Him. He will bring you the truest joy. He will make you more than you could ever make yourself.

He Hears Us

Today was the day I performed last-minute to accompany my friend! I came home from school and practiced until my fingers couldn't find the notes, then I took a break, then practiced again and again. Let me tell you, I was pretty darn nervous. I didn't see how on earth I would be able to play the song well enough! I didn't care about it for my sake, but I sure didn't want to make my friend sound bad.

It was down to a half and hour before I had to leave, and I decided I wouldn't touch the piano again until I got there. I was warmed up enough, and I was to the point where I was only playing mistakes. If I sat down and started memorizing those mistakes, my performance would be horrible. So I waited, rather anxiously, for time to pass.

Then it was the moment when we were walking into the judging room. Luckily the piano was turned so the judge couldn't see me when I sat down, and that made me feel like nobody was there. But I must have said five prayers in two minutes, simply asking Heavenly Father to bless my performance that it would be all it needed to be. The judge wasn't assessing me, something I am very grateful about, but if I didn't play well, the song would sound awful.

I took a deep breath and said a final prayer as the song began. After that, my fingers found the keys. It was far from a perfect performance, but whenever a note was wrong, usually it was harmony that sounded just fine with whatever my friend was playing. I didn't mess up badly on the spots where I usually had to slow down extremely as I practiced. It really was a miracle.

The thing is, I'd done everything I could possibly do to prepare that song in just over twenty-four hours. I literally don't think I could have done anything more that would have helped. Heavenly Father knew that, and so when I prayed, sincerely asking for His help, He gave it.

Sometimes I know it's easy to feel as though God hasn't heard our prayers. Maybe we say something specific, and things don't play out the way we'd hoped they would. I've come to see, however, that God absolutely hears and answers us when we pray to Him. And actually, it is almost never in the way that we plan the answers to come. Things might go wrong for a time, but it's always because it'll make something else go right. This I know with all my heart.

God Understands Us

My ward has set up a ward blog, and I have published a personal story on it. It is about a time in my life when I was not especially close to God and I had doubts. It is an experience that is close to my heart. The link is also to the left under "Blog Links."

The rest of the blog is absolutely amazing! Please read the other posts by fabulous church members at mycalling.org . The strength and the faith of the people around me never ceases to amaze me. It lifts me up and makes me want to be a better person.

The post on my ward's blog is about how God has helped me through music. This experience wasn't the only time this has happened. In February, my grandmother passed away and I had a really hard time. She was such a sweet, loving, gentle person and I knew that she was in the caring hands of God, but I still missed her immensely and really struggled putting it behind me. The day after her passing was especially difficult for me. I went to a basketball game for the young women in my ward. When I was playing I was fine, but whenever I was on the sidelines I broke down and started crying. After my young women leaders dropped my off at home, I had the words to "Fix You" by Coldplay get stuck in my mind. So I went to my room and played the song for a little bit. It helped me calm down and I could sense that this was a message Heavenly Father was trying to relay to me by putting the song in my mind.

The way that God reaches out to me reminds me of the scripture in Proverbs chapter 3, verses 5 and 6:

5. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I know that God loves us each individually SO MUCH that He takes the time to communicate with us in the way we will receive His messages the best. There is no doubt in my mind the He knows who I am and watches out for me constantly. He will direct my paths, so long as I am faithful and trust in Him with all my heart.

Lyrics to "Fix You" by Coldplay:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you